Q. Do you know the difference between Chicago-style jazz and New Orleans-style jazz?

A. About a thousand miles.

Q. If the answer is 9W, what is the question?

A. This is a little tricky! Think about it for a minute.... Click here if you'd like a hint!

And from Frank Amoss:

Q. What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs?

A. A senseless act of violins.

An Upscale Bar

The three notes -- C, E-flat and G -- entered a bar.

The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors."

E-flat left. C and G had an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth was diminished and the G was out flat.

An F entered and tried to augment the situation but was not sharp enough.

A D entered and excused himself to the bathroom, saying, "I'll just be a second."

An A entered but the bartender wasn't convinced that this relative of C was not a minor.

Then the bartender noticed a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. "Get out, right now!" he exclaimed. "You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The next night the E-flat returned to the bar in a 3-piece suit.

The bartender said, "You're looking sharp tonight. This could be a major development."

This was the case, when the E-flat took off the suit and everything else to stand there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobered up and realized in horror that he was under a rest.

He was brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and was sentenced to ten years of D.S. without the possibility of a Coda.

On appeal, he was found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, because the accusation was bassless.

The bartender decided he needed a rest -- and closed the bar.

This Just In: The Internet Crashes

The Sideman's By-Laws

Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.

Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)

If you don't know it, play harmony.

Double book, then choose.

Always assume the leader knows nothing.

Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.

Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.

Never play requests (especially if you know it).

Never smile. Always complain.

Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.

Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute
if you have equipment to set up.)

Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.

Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes,
or anything in D minor.

Always open spit valves over music.

If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes
over his vocals or solos.

Always worship dead jazz greats.

Be negative about anything connected with the job.

Always bring drinks back to the band stand.

When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make
a phone call.

If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic,
don't laugh.

Always bum a ride.

Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.

Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?

Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.

"Bickering" by Ken Nordine

Source: You Tube

"Take An Indian To Lunch" - by Stan Freberg

Source: You Tube

For more Jive Humor, visit our Spike Jones web page!

Musicians Say the Damnedest Things!
Richard Strauss	"Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them."
Jack Daney	"One of the perks of being an unemployed musician is that you get to play much less bad music."
Aldous Huxley	"After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music."
Igor Stravinsky	"Music is, by its very nature, essentially powerless to express anything at all. Music expresses itself."
George Bernard Shaw	"Hell is full of musical amateurs."
Panama Francis	"The drummer drives. Everybody else rides!"
Dizzy Gillespie	"Some days you get up and put the horn to your chops and it sounds pretty good and you win. Some days you try and nothing works and the horn wins. This goes on and on and then you die and the horn wins."
Duke Ellington	"Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one."
Omette Coleman	"Jazz is the only music in which the same note can be played night after night but differently each time."
Shelly Manne	"We never play anything the same way once."
AI Cohn's definition of a gentleman	"Someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn't."
Vido Musso	"Music is a very hard instrument."
(Unknown-talking about the Don Ellis band)	"The only tune they play in 4/4 is 'Take Five!"'
Chet Baker	"If I could play like Wynton (Marsalis), I wouldn't play like Wynton."
Clark Terry	"I'm too old to pimp, and too young to die, so I'm just gon' keep playin'."
Herbie Hancock	"A great teacher is one who realizes that he himself is also a student and whose goal is not to dictate the answers, but to stimulate his students creativity enough so that they go out and find the answers themselves."
Jack Daney	"To be a musician is a curse. To NOT be one is even worse."
Gustav Mahler to Bruno Walter, who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.	"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already."
Xavier Cugat	"I would rather play 'Chiquita Banana' and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve."
Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home	"Musicians talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art."
Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer	"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living."
Niccolo Paganini	"I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet."
Nathaniel Hawthorne	"What is the voice of song, when the world lacks the ear of taste?"
Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan	"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats."
Oscar Wilde	"If one hears bad music, it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation."
Mel Brooks	"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together."
William F. Buckley, Jr.	"Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years."
Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket	"You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow."
Mark Twain	"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
James Gibbons Hunekar	"Berlioz says nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently."
Walter Oamrosch on Aaron Copland	"If a young man at the age of twenty-three can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder."
Sergei Prokofiev	"There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major."
Dmitri Mitropolous	"I never use a score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?"
Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player	"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way."
Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments	"Already too loud!"
Frederic Chopin	"I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere."
Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis DilIer	"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."
Claude Debussy	"In opera, there is always too much singing."
Giacchino Rossini	"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!"
Bing Crosby	"I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th century that has made giant strides in reverse."
Frank Zappa on his rock symphony debuted by the Los Angeles Philharmonic	"A ponderous orchestral absurdity."
Tony Bennett	"The bottom line of any country is, 'What did we contribute to the world?' We contributed Louis Armstrong."
Duke Ellington	"It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing!"

"Anybody Here Remember Radio?" by Stan Freberg
Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? A. A tattoo. Q. What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit? A. The defendant. Q. What do clarinetists use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. What has three teeth and an I.Q. of 47? A. The first four rows at a Marilyn Manson Concert. Q. What is the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? A. They both perceive time as an abstract concept. Q. What is the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza? A. A large pizza can feed a family of four. Q. What is the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? A. About three decibels. Q. What is the latest crime wave in New York City? A. Drive-by trombone solos. Q. What is the definition of a minor second interval? A. Two soprano sax players reading off the same part. Q. What is another term for trombone? A. A wind-driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. Q. How do you get an oboist to play A flat? A. Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner. Q. What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? A. On or off. Q. What is the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A. A bad oboist can kill you. Q. Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A. So they can park in the handicapped zones. Q. What is the difference between a girl singer and a pit bull? A. Lipstick. Q. Why do people play trombone? A. Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. Q. What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A. A music critic. Q. Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player? A. Upward mobility. Q. How do you keep your violin from being stolen? A. Put it in a viola case. Q. What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A. You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it. Q. What will you never say about a banjo player? A. That's the banjo player's Porsche. Q. What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A. Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q. Why are harps like elderly parents? A. Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. Q. What is the first thing a girl singer does in the morning? A. Puts on her clothes and goes home. Q. What is the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? A. You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. Q. How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike? A. Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range. Q. What is the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto? A. "Music Minus One" Q. What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? A. Eleven pounds. Q. Why are a violinist's fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. Q. How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? A. On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom

A child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."

She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"

Friend: "I hope so."

 

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?

The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

 

The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover,
"Honey, I think you better pull out now."

He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"

Glossary

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

Subito Piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

Correct Grammar

"This is the kind of nonsense up with which I shall not put."

W. C. Fields

Australian Musicians' Humor

From Denis Hollingsworth, one of my big band buddies in Australia, who heard it from Paul Gibens, who heard it from  John Pickworth, who heard it from....

A man walks into a Music City pet store looking to buy a monkey. The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can write and arrange for small combos and groups up to 16 pieces," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1,500. It knows Jazz and Classical music. He can improvise or play technically difficult solos."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3,000," answers the store owner. "3,000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Band Leader."

More from Denis....

Musicians are Excellent Mind Readers!!!

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song", or "it goes something like this," then hum a few bars. We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favourite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar, and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be… it helps jog the memory.

If a band tells you they don't know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words.

If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song, it helps to just keep requesting the same song every time there is a break per set, followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as thumbs down, or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is SO easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a country or blues band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />AC DC or SLAYER!!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

Important

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly in their ear, whilst holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players.

Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They are especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

Talking wih the Band

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of the song when all members are singing at the same time (such as a multi harmony part). Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips.

Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled.

Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

Helping the Band

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, third and fourth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell. They love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.

Very Important!!!

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

Bonus Tip

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.

See you at the next gig – The Band

Have you ever noticed that clergymen often have a great sense of humor?

Pastor Keith R. Snyder of the Copper Country Church of the Nazarene in Hancock, MI, asks:

Q. What do you call a banjo player at a music convention? 

A. Lost.

Musicians And ATM Machines

Male procedure for using a drive-thru ATM:

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter pin
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve cash, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off

Female procedure for using a drive-thru ATM:

1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with the machine
3. Restart stalled engine
4. Wind down the car window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on passenger seat and find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Reinsert card the right way
11. Reenter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN number
13. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check makeup in rear view mirror
16. Retriever cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of checkbook
19. Recheck makeup
20. Drive forward 2 meters
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder and replace card in slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off
25. Drive for 2 or 3 miles
26. Release handbrake

You Might Be From Chicago If....

You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. It doesn't rhyme with boys or toys. It rhymes with boy or toy. You become irate at people who do mispronounce it.

 

You measure distance in minutes.

 

You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines".

 

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

 

Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

 

You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

 

Stores don't have sacks, they have bags.

 

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with."

 

To quote noted Chicago grammar expert W. C. Field (Marshall’s uncle), "This is the kind of nonsense up with which I shall not put."

 

You can locate Illinois on the United States map.

 

Your idea of great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.

 

When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say "It was different."

 

You carry jumper cables in your car.

 

You drink "pop."

 

You realize that I-290, I-90, I-94, and I-294 are all different roads.

 

You refer to any interstate highway as "the tollway".

 

You know the names of the interstates: Stevenson, Kennedy, and Eisenhower.

 

You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".

 

You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".

 

You refer to Chicago as "The City".

 

No matter where you are when you hear the term "Downtown" you immediately assume they're talking about Downtown Chicago.

 

The heart of Downtown Chicago is the Loop. But what is the Loop?

 

The Loop is the area of Downtown Chicago encircled by the Chicago "L" tracks. But what does "L" mean?

 

The "L" is the nickname Chicagoans use for the elevated trains.

Have you ridden the "L"?

 

(Tip: Save a fortune in cab fares. Ride the "L" from O'Hare Airport to the Loop. Savings: about $30-45 in cab fares each way, depending on whether it's Rush Hour or not.)

 

You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the

Packers!

 

You buy "The Trib"--and every time you see it, you lament the passing of the Chicago Daily News in the late 1970s and the sale of the Chicago Sun-Times to Rupert Murdoch in the early 1980s.

 

You think 30 degrees is great weather to wash your car!

 

You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.

 

You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.

 

You know why they call Chicago "The Windy City".

 

You understand what "lake-effect" means.

 

You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know from which Loop station they depart.

 

You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847, 630, 773, 708, 312, and 815.

 

You have used your furniture to guard your parking spot.

 

You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a "side".

 

You know the phone number for Empire Carpet (588-2300) better than you know your own phone number.

 

Favorite Columnist - The late Mike Royko, who always called California Governor Jerry Brown  "Governor Moonbeam."

 

Royko once asked, "After you’ve seen the sun set over the Pacific Ocean a hundred times, just how many more do you need to see?"

 

Favorite Novelist - Raymond Chandler, who called Los Angeles "the land of the loons" in the 1940s. Still fits!